I Would Love You

I wish you knew that I’d love you anyway.

There isn’t much you could do to turn my heart away.

I’d give it willingly again...

100 times over, never stopping to protect it.

I would love you despite the past.

I’d let it go and never look back.

I’d hold your hands in mine

Meet you in the place where our hearts connect.

I’m telling you I love you.  

From my lips to God’s ear.

May He hear the whispers of my heart,

And lovingly answer them.

You are new my love. 

You are made new...

You are whole my love.

You are made whole...

Knitted together,

Created well by a perfect creator.

Let His love embrace you,

Cover your wounds and protect you.

Let Him kiss away your brokenness...

Leaving behind a trail of restoration.

My love, I’m telling you I love you...

I love you.

She Wonders...

She wonders why...

why do things happen the way they do?  She can't always complain about the outcome, really.  Sometimes when you put all the chips on the table and you lay down your hand, you win it all.  However, most often than not this is not the case.  I'd say that lately she's tired of gambling her life away.  Consistency would be nice.  Something solid, gripping, secure.  Does it exist?  Maybe.  She's complained that life feels like it's fit itself in one of those little photo cubes that collects dust in the back corner of your desk, displaying memories of the good ol' days.  Memories.  Memories of a time when life felt more like an adventure than a broken record playing the same 2 words to a favorite song 3 years ago.  

When does life begin to take shape?  When does it become something more than what it is?  She's a lot like me; I'd have to say.  Waiting for something good to take root...waiting.  There's just so much more than this.  Wow, that sounds cliche.  HAHA!  This should end before I become all "Dashboard Confessional" on you all.  LOL  

Stay...A Letter to My Beloved

Beloved,

Stay...

I sit here so filled with emotions that I don't know where to begin.  I guess I can start with this...I love you.  I love your smile, I love your eyes...the way they pull tight when you laugh.  I love your heart...it's always so willing to give.  I don't know what I'm going to do here...without you.  My heart feels the loss of you.  So great and deep....it's become all consuming.  I'll smile if you need me to.  I'd do anything for you...but know that I will feel incomplete when you leave.  I asked you..."what about me?"  You seem to think that you're easy to replace.  My beloved...you are not.  There's only ever been you.  How do I train my heart not to ache for you?  How do I convince my fingers not to reach for you?  How do I tell my mind to stop thinking on you?  How?  The heart is a very deceitful thing...it does what it wants.  It does not listen to my pleas.  It does not wish to give me peace.  It knows what it wants.  It wants you.  Please....please....please....stay....please stay.  

please....

Forever yours,

*J

You're Leaving

it hit me like a 2x4 
rendering me breathless...
you're leaving.
taking the best part of me with you
empty room, empty heart
my eyes swollen with the memories of you
spilling over...one by one
telling the story of you and me
my fingers ache to touch you
my ears long to hear your bass filled voice
your soothing tone puts my fragile heart at ease
the unsaid words sit resting in the back of my throat
begging to be heard
my heart beats a steady rhythm of
stay...stay...stay...
I should have said it...a million times over
...I love you, I love you, I love you

BLAH!!

BLAH!  BLAH BLAH BLAH!!  or is it "Wah....wah wah wah wah?"  That was my Charlie Brown teacher impersonation.  This is what I hear right now.  My teacher is currently standing at the front of the classroom babbling at a very rapid pace about the unchangeable factors for heart disease.  Apparently, because I'm Puerto Rican I have a higher rate of getting heart disease.  YAY!!!!  I just threw confetti in the air.  You missed it?  oh...sorry.  

One more week.  

One more week of the babble.

One more week of the slides.

One more week of the lame 50 pt. tests.

One more week....

Living and Letting Go

Of life
Of living
Of letting go...

We live our lives. Sometimes I sit back and wonder how that happens. How was it that I got from point A to point B? Was I even paying attention? Was it like riding Space Mountain with the lights on? Where you can see the logistics of the "ride." If only life was like that. So we can see the twists and turns before they come. So we can plan meticulously for every detail. So we're prepared for the gut wrenching falls or the excitement of the climb. Unfortunately that is not that the case. I sit here wondering what the hell happened?! Life continues to surprise me. People say that love is a choice. Part of me wants to believe this. Then another part of me knows that this is completely untrue! They say that love is a verb, but I also believe that it is an illness! I should know...I've been a sufferer for about 4 years. I know, sad story. What do you do when you love big...so big that you can't even carry it anymore? It's become so heavy it's weighing down harshly on your heart. Do I tell him? Do I let it go? I hear so many different responses to this. I guess the bottom line...the ultimate question is if I'm willing to be vulnerable to the point of brokeness? How many of us are? That's a huge sacrifice. My time is running out. I feel like I'm playing that game where you have to shove all of the shapes in the correct spots before the timer goes off, and it all pops up exploding in different directions, leaving everything in complete kaos. Get it done before it all blows up in my face! Dramatic...I know. I'm not sure I was ever any good at that game. I can't even remember it's name.

But here I am wondering....worrying....about life....living....and letting go. I wish I was good at this. Some days are better than others. I just...I don't know. I feel like I've run out of options. I feel like it's him or nothing. I can't even believe that I'm saying this. I never say this out loud...maybe only a couple of you know this. I've trusted you enough to share it. What do I do if he says no? Do I just wholly give up? Will I be able to love again? And I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking that I'm being too dramatic...that I'll get over it and love again. Here's the thing. I'm not a teenager. I remember that kind of love. It felt so extreme, so now or never. This is different. I'm not a teenager. I'm 28, and I know exactly what I want. I know who I want. I know what my life will look like with him...and I know what my life will look like without him. And at risk of sounding like a cheezy love song..."If I can't have you....I don't want no body baby!" So how do I let go if I have to? How? This life just seems so impossible....

It Wasn't Me

She came around and turned your head
whispered words and promises
things I left unsaid

Your heart, I thought was mine
belonged to her in no time
all that was left was your memory

Your memory dancing in my dreams
A time when your future included me
She wasn’t there in my dreams
It wasn’t her, it was only me

Your quiet smiles and energy
The reason for your happiness
Your changing heart
My final plea

Because of her you let me go
You turned your back
And I didn’t know

Now I sit with my heart in my hands
Dripping with sorrow
I couldn’t meet your demands

All along…..It wasn’t me…

The Truth About Me....

There is a lot that can be said about me. Some positive, some negative. However, there is one thing that you all must never forget. I know who I am. I know every detail about myself. Even the bad stuff. I pride myself in my loyalty and my honesty. That's one thing you can always be sure of with me. I will always tell you the truth. I'm not a liar. Contrary to a certain person's belief, I am not self centered. I am not self seeking or self gratifying, or self serving. I'm sorry that you have conjured up this idea of me. Maybe you never really knew who I was. That is your problem. It seems that lately people have it twisted. They seem to think that they know who I am. They take what other people say about me and create a sense of "knowing" about who I really am. These people are mistaken. They do not know me. They do not know my heart. They do not know what gets me out of bed every morning and the last thought that is on my mind before I go to bed. They do not know what makes me laugh, or what makes me cry. They breed distortion and lies. They spread them like truth and allow them to poison my image. I'm tired. I'm tired of running from these lies. I'm tired of feeling small around them. For once I'm taking a stand. For once I'm defending myself. If you don't know me...don't say anything about me. If you think you know me, then you'll know that I love my friends, that I'm loyal. that I'll cut anyone who has anything bad to say about them. You'll know that I would give everything I own to save someone, that I always try to put others first before myself. You'll know that I love Jesus more than anything, and that I feel a strong calling on my heart and my life to care for His people. You'll also know that I am stubborn, and aggressive, and that I get frustrated when I can't save someone, I get attached easily and that's done nothing, but break my heart. If you want to know me....then ask. I'm working on being more trusting. I just might let you in.

Incredulous Tales, Magical Music, and "Ladies of the Evening".....

It all started at the Tyrone Wells/Jason Reeves concert...

No really...it did. There I was enjoying the show with Bekah and Vienessa when these two obnoxiously loud "ladies of the evening" decided that they were going to seduce their way backstage at the concert to "talk" to Jason Reeves...(heh..) News flash girls...I'm sure he doesn't want to "talk." He doesn't know where your "goodies" have been...lol So anyway, They start yelling at the security guards telling them that they need to get backstage to talk to Jason and that they should let them in because the "lady of the evening" wearing the red and white striped shirt is Jason's girlfriend....(again I say "heh") Well, they're carrying on in a cacophonous manner further disrupting Tyrone's beautiful song. So I turned and yelled at them to shut up. One of the "ladies" says "are you talking to me?" and I said...yes...I am...you're extremely loud and I can't hear Tyrone sing, all I hear is you yelling...so could you please shut up! You're rude! HAHA...seriously...

Well, I think I scared these girls because after the security guards broke up the spectacle, I went and stood up against the wall with Bekah and the "ladies" kept trying to sneak their way backstage, but saw me standing there and kept walking away when I would look at them. HAHAHA!! Basically, there were more words exchanged and that was that. However, I noticed that these girls had moved on to Keaton Simons. HAHAHAHAHA!! Seriously...the "striped" one was now hanging all over Keaton, holding his hand, playing with his hair and rubbing her boobs up and down on this senseless man. Maybe he was too into it to realize that she was using him to get to Jason backstage...LOL!! because the second Jason came out she dropped him like a hormonal teenage boy drops his pants on prom night! No joke!

I stood by with my friends and watched as she tried to convice Jason Reeves to spend the night and go surfing with her. She also tried to molest his ear and neck...poor guy! He had the deer in the headlights look plastered on his face. He was so uncomfortable. LOL Right then and there I decided that Jason Reeves should hire me as his body guard. I can take care of girls like them. Anyway...so I pretty much lost my voice after the show. It was probably from having a yelling match with these girls. It's like the curse of the do-gooder! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So, that's my story....the end!

Coffee, Comedy, and Procrastination...again...

So, I’m sitting here in Homebrew attempting to work diligently on my Senior Project, and I realize that the guy next to me just up and moved all of his crap because I answered my cell phone. News flash everyone…this is a coffee shop, not a library, I CAN answer my phone. I wasn’t even crazy loud. People need to stop hating. Hating gets us no where in life…it only makes us angry and cynical…I should know. Back to Homebrew….so…they have frozen yogurt here. More than that, they have frozen yogurt on top of a waffle with fresh fruit. No joke…it’s legit. Of course you too can have a fruity waffle topped with frozen yogurt for the small price of your first born child. Yeah, it’s a little expensive. Something like $8. But remember, to a poor college student that can’t get enough work, this means something! Because of this, I did not end up having the waffle frozen yogurt fruity goodness…I settled for a coke. Aside from my fizzy refreshment, there is also a group of comedians who are about to use the area 2 feet away from me as a stage for their Sunday night comedy show. How did I become so lucky?! I mean…comedy night at Homebrew?! Really?!! *sigh* Oh…did I mention that I am currently sitting on part of the stage? Yeah…I am. It just keeps getting better doesn’t it?! If they use me in a joke…it’s over for them.

Loss

Incurable brokeness
strangles life leaving
gasps of memories
unable to survive the pain

Head, heart, soul
bleeding painful drops of sorrow
soaking my eyes
dripping down my reddened cheeks

Scarring my skin, my heart
details of hurt
grasping at heart's desire
leaving emptiness...
loss

Where Was I?

I have a question...

Where was I when God was handing out lives? Was I in the bathroom? Was I too busy checking out the hott geek standing next to me? Or maybe I had my nose stuck in a book. Which ever the case is, I somehow wasn't available for the fine pickings. I can truly say at this point that life just doesn't make sense to me. I am completely in shock at the way things have turned out. How is it that we can wish, dream, hope, pray for something wonderful, but it just seems that it's never going to happen?

I want to believe. I want to believe that there is something better out there. That I haven't been completely forgotten. It just becomes increasingly difficult. Now more than ever I need serenity. I'm not sure how much more my lifeless hollowed out heart can take. It's empty. Maybe it will become a petrified rock. Solid. Hard. Cold. Maybe the rest of my body will give way to the inevitable. It will slow down and become nothing. Nothingness sounds good right about now. It's painless. I don't need the pain to know that I'm alive. I'll take seconds of nothingness. It will compliment my loneliness quite well.