Sunday, March 22, 2009

Living and Letting Go

Of life
Of living
Of letting go...

We live our lives. Sometimes I sit back and wonder how that happens. How was it that I got from point A to point B? Was I even paying attention? Was it like riding Space Mountain with the lights on? Where you can see the logistics of the "ride." If only life was like that. So we can see the twists and turns before they come. So we can plan meticulously for every detail. So we're prepared for the gut wrenching falls or the excitement of the climb. Unfortunately that is not that the case. I sit here wondering what the hell happened?! Life continues to surprise me. People say that love is a choice. Part of me wants to believe this. Then another part of me knows that this is completely untrue! They say that love is a verb, but I also believe that it is an illness! I should know...I've been a sufferer for about 4 years. I know, sad story. What do you do when you love big that you can't even carry it anymore? It's become so heavy it's weighing down harshly on your heart. Do I tell him? Do I let it go? I hear so many different responses to this. I guess the bottom line...the ultimate question is if I'm willing to be vulnerable to the point of brokeness? How many of us are? That's a huge sacrifice. My time is running out. I feel like I'm playing that game where you have to shove all of the shapes in the correct spots before the timer goes off, and it all pops up exploding in different directions, leaving everything in complete kaos. Get it done before it all blows up in my face! Dramatic...I know. I'm not sure I was ever any good at that game. I can't even remember it's name.

But here I am wondering....worrying....about letting go. I wish I was good at this. Some days are better than others. I just...I don't know. I feel like I've run out of options. I feel like it's him or nothing. I can't even believe that I'm saying this. I never say this out loud...maybe only a couple of you know this. I've trusted you enough to share it. What do I do if he says no? Do I just wholly give up? Will I be able to love again? And I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking that I'm being too dramatic...that I'll get over it and love again. Here's the thing. I'm not a teenager. I remember that kind of love. It felt so extreme, so now or never. This is different. I'm not a teenager. I'm 28, and I know exactly what I want. I know who I want. I know what my life will look like with him...and I know what my life will look like without him. And at risk of sounding like a cheezy love song..."If I can't have you....I don't want no body baby!" So how do I let go if I have to? How? This life just seems so impossible....

No comments: