Saturday, March 20, 2010
Life is life. It is what it is. We have to learn to take it and do our best with it. The whole thing is...my life is changing. Rapidly changing. These adjustments that I know I need to make can be overwhelming. Adjusting to a new faith...a new love for the Mashiach Yeshua...a new way of living...it boggles my mind. It completely blows any previous ideas or beliefs right out of the water. I feel like I've been transported to a place that feels oddly like home, yet I look around and nothing looks the same...but everything feels right. Sometimes I feel like I'm stumbling through this growing process and running into everything in my path. I know it's a learning process, which is why I try to give myself grace when I make mistakes. I just want to be obedient. I want to be observant. I want to honor G-d. I've given up all foods that are not kosher, this means everything that doesn't have a heksher on it, and I work really hard to keep the Sabbath. But there is so much more to being obedient than just that. I just hope that I can figure it out and apply it to my life. I pray above all things that G-d would send the Holy Spirit to make the difficult decisions for me. That everything that be His will, will be done in my life. I hope that by the time you all see me again, I would be a different person. A person more in love with her L-rd, a person more passionate and obedient, and a person more observant of the Holy Torah, given to us by our Father HaShem. Not to spite us, but because He loves us and His will, and desires are perfect.
So, I'm here again...in this place of uncertainty. If I sit still enough I can feel the tugging deep in my chest. That feeling that if you don't move, or do something about it, your chest is just going to implode. Maybe if I take a deep enough breath it will reset things and make them right again. Or maybe if I take a deep enough breath, I'll just need to keep taking more breaths to compensate for the emptiness without you. I don't know. It's so weird. Why does it have to exist? Love. Love is the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I ask myself again and again if it would be better if we'd never met. Would it? Could I exist? No. You've changed too much of me. I wouldn't be able to recognize myself. But the truth is, you're not gone. You're here. You're just not mine. Can I live with that? hah...I wonder.