Friday, November 28, 2008

A Letter

Beloved,

There are truths that I wish I could tell you. Things that I've always wanted to say. Words that linger on the tip of my tongue, threatening to give me away. I wish I was as bold as I claim to be. This would be so much easier if I was. I would sing the words and make them sweet like honey, dripping from my lips, to your ear. I'd tell you that I love you. I wouldn't be afraid. Because I do. I do love you. The ache of my love burries itself deep in my chest. It comes to life when I see you. Listening to your plans, and wanting more than anything to be a part of them. Why do I torture myself this way? Because I couldn't imagine my life without you at all. I would rather be in complete want for the rest of my life than be void of your friendship. I saw you today. It was wonderful to see you. Yours is a company that I would love to keep everyday. I love your sweet smile. It says more about you than you know. It makes you warm and open, which I know frightens you. I stared at your hands while you read a book. They seemed strong and well worked. They've changed over the years. I would give anything to hold them in mine. To feel the kindness and strength that emanates from them. Your eyes are happy and beautiful, pulled into an almond shape. They are dark, yet bright. I would give anything to see myself in them, and know that you only have eyes for me. I could go on and on counting the ways in which I love you. They would never cease. I would wake up and begin, throughout the day and evening making lists, and as I lay myself down to sleep, I would continue in my dreams. Know that you are beautiful. That your heart is none like any I have ever seen. Your heart is what I covet...your love. You are intelligent beyond belief. You are worth it. You are worth my heartache and my longing, and you are worth the wait.

Faithfully yours,

*J

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Rain

The rain falls rhythmically outside my window,
Thoughts of you dance to the sound,
entering my mind with grace and precision.
The low throaty sound of your laughter,
rising and dipping, filling my ears and heart.
The exact shape of your mouth
as the ends curve up into a half-moon smile,
become my favorite form.
The rain reminds me of you.
The surprising way you grip me.
The down pour of your beauty floods my heart.
I have no choice but to love the rain.
The water is falling harder from the sky,
creating a passion so enduring.
I want to stand in it and be drenched by you,
completely soaked through, to the bone.
Wash over me, renew me with your intensity,
Bring my senses to life.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Maybe You Should...

Maybe you should shut your mouth
Maybe you should kiss my ass
Either one is ok with me
I'll give you the tape
I'll pull down my pants
Anything to help you along
Maybe you should ask me first
before you spread your lies
or force your opinions
I didn't ask you what you thought
I don't really care what you think
You can hate me all you want
If that makes you feel better
But keep it to yourself
Don't flood my ears with words of reflection
They've had their fill of you
So maybe you should shut your mouth
and maybe you should kiss my ass
Either one is ok with me

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Consume Me

Why does he move that way?
Slow thought out and sexy,
Capturing me with his stare, innocent yet planned.
The force of his eyes hold me there.
The dark brown pools of his soul.
Everything he's ever felt,
Everyone he's ever loved,
Every moment that has made him laugh...
or cry
is stored in the safe-house of his eyes.
I want to be there.
I want to be his favorite secret...hushed,
quiet, in the recesses of his heart.
I'd love him the most...
deep, strong, unending, and pure.
Wild and wreckless, confident and secure.
I want to wrap myself in the blanket of his love.
Alone, just you and me...
Tell me you love me...
that I'm the only one that you want to share your tomorrows with.
Let your love lift me up and break me.
Leave me shattered by the beautiful energy of you...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

It's Been A While....

I know, it's been a while! What can I say...school sucks! HAHA! Just letting you all know that I'm still alive. Busy, but alive. I'll be back....(hehehe...)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sweet Words

You and your sweet words
slinking off your tongue
Masquerading as my prince
You tell me I'm pretty...
That I'm the one
Are you trying to convince me?
Do you think I'm dumb?
The heaviness of your words
The deception that you weave
Are you doing all of this for me?
I'd be a fool to believe
That I was the only one
So save your sugary lies
Because I'm done

Vacant

I am completely vacant of feelings
You have left me numb
The down pour of tears
Leave a salty residue trail
Mapping out the hurts you left behind
The bitter words...
falling from your tongue
Like razor blades cutting my skin
You bled me out
All that was left of me
Left me dry...
Empty....Vacant...

I've Lost So Much

I've lost so much...
Falling in the destruction of you
Shattered pieces fall at my feet
In the wake of our friendship
Broken words
Broken hearts
Songs that remind me of you
Float along in the stagnant air
I try to breathe you out and they choke me
Stifling me
Pressing up against the back of my throat
The cry that will never leave
The tears that will never fall
The heart that will never heal
I've lost so much...
I want it back
You, erased from my memory
from my thoughts, from my heart
Leave...
Drift away like the mist on the ocean
dissipating with the sun

I'm Done With You...

I used to fall over your words
Dripping from your mouth like honey
You used them to lure me, to hook me
and then to cut me down
You made promise so often
and I took them to heart
I believed you when you said
that you loved me
I believed it until the very end
Here you are indecisive
You act like it's your decision to make
I didn't know you owned me
Or maybe that was the big mistake
I let you believe that you were my world
and maybe for a time you were
But now I need to let you know
That only *I* own me
So let me go and be done
That's all I really want
Don't show up at my door
Don't call me all the time
Do us both a favor and forget
that you were ever mine
Walk away......
Just walk away......
Go ahead, don't look back
I'm tired of looking at your manipulative face
and all the damage you left behind
I know you never really cared
Only one thing mattered to you....and that's you
Sorry if this ruins your image
I know you want to keep it in tact
If everyone else knew the things that I know
I wonder if they'd think you were an ass
You want to be in the public eye
So here you go dear, here's your chance...
You've always wanted an audience
As if God and I weren't enough....
Tell them who you really are
and put it all to rest!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My So-Called "Friends"

I understand that people are broken, and have issues. But what I don't understand is why they feel the need to take it out on other people. I have my faults. I know that I'm not perfect...trust me...I can count the ways of my imperfections to you, but I'm sure you already see them. I just don't get it...How can you be friends with someone, support them through everything when other people wouldn't, and all of a sudden one day they just decide to go off on you. I know that I've been too lenient with my friends. I allow them to walk all over me until I can't take it anymore. I also know that we teach people the way we want to be treated. So this is something that I'm going to work on. I just hate feeling like I'm becoming more jaded every time a close friend cuts me deep. That remote area in Washington is sounding more and more cozy by the minute! lol

Monday, October 27, 2008

Defensive

Why are you so defensive?
I've never given you a reason
to be so ugly with me.
So you don't agree...
who cares?!
I only asked for your perspective
Don't act like I did something wrong.
You cut me with your words...
You think I need affirmation?!
I don't need you to tell me I'm good!
I know who I am...
Do you?
I don't rely on the honey-dripped
words of others to get me through the day...
So don't think that your "praise"
was going to fill me up.
You're getting good at "burning your bridges"
You might want to slow down
before no one is left to care...

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I've Been Thinking...

I know...uh oh!

You know what I've learned through being a Christian my whole life and having a lot of friends that are either Gay or struggle with homosexuality, is that we as self proclaimed followers of Christ have dropped the ball where these people are concerned. We haven't done our part to show God's love, but we're quick to point our fingers and pick out the fault in other people. We love ourselves more than we love others. Here's a reality check for all of us Jesus lovers out there....God is love. He loves them too. Instead of fighting them all the time and constantly reminding them that they don't measure up to our standards, which they were never meant to...we should be loving them and showing them that not all Christians are hateful people who want to send them to hell...I'm not saying that you believe this. Mind you, I'm speaking from experience. I feel very fortunate that God has blessed me with the ability to love people that are different than me. And the ability to speak the truth to them through loving and listening to them. With patience, and understanding comes respect. As for the issue of racism in comparison to homosexuality...it is not the same in the obvious ways. However, they are both classified under the Cultural Theory, as they are both cultural issues. Homosexuality is a current part of our culture. Just as Feminism is. The common factor that I see in both Racism and Homosexuality is the level of hate expressed. The hate that caused people to hang black people back in the day is the same hate that caused people to murder gays. They're both wrong. That is the bottom line. I do not agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but I do wish that we could all love each other a little more, no matter what we believe.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Do Better

I can do better
better than you
You tell me the things I want to hear
Think you can whisper in my ear
but I can do better
better than you
You think I'm a piece that you can have
That just because you looked at me, I should be glad
but I can do better
much better than you
Not my goodies is all I have to say...
I know what you would do, if you could have your way
but I'm much better...
much better than that
So take your sweet words and your dreamy eyes
I don't want none...cause you're not the guy
Cause I'm gonna do better....
Much better than you

Monday, October 20, 2008

Bleed

the darkness of me bleeds....
the insecurity of me bleeds....
into every aspect of my life
I want control
I want to stop the bleeding
apply pressure...
hold on tight
stop the bleeding
stop!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Barren

I feel the emptiness of you
It resonates in my aching arms
Arms that would give anything to hold you
I mourn the nothingness of you
My child that will never be
You were taken from me
Before I could even imagine you
The way you would have held my finger
As though I held the world for you
The smell of your baby-soft skin
I would breathe you in everyday for the rest of my life
Knowing that there would be nothing sweeter
The vacancy in my heart is for you my love
It will remain barren forever...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

It Doesn't Matter...

It doesn't matter
what I think
You're going to do
what you want to do
anyway...
You didn't ask me,
again...
Am I angry? you ask...
I don't even know what that means
What I feel is deeper,
more severe.
We're blood you and I.
It doesn't get any thicker than us.
You're all I have, and I'm all you have...
Is it enough?
I wish you would love yourself
the way that I love you.
Then you wouldn't feel the need
to settle for less.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

*Click*....*Boom!*

So, my Literary Theory and Criticism class is killing me. Seriously. I'm sitting here bored out of my mind, wishing that I could be lounging around reading! Or even watching a good movie with a wonderful friend. So, I believe that I am 6 classes away from graduating. I've looked it up. Lord willing, the degree guide is not lying to me! If only I can survive these last few classes. I mean, I don't want to have to arrange a mercy killing before getting my degree. heh....*sigh!*

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ducks In a Row

What does it mean
to have all your ducks in a row?
Is it perfection?
I fall short.
I'm not perfect.
But I want my ducks in a row
Whatever it means.
I'll take it.
1, 2, 3, 4.....
Line them up
and knock them down

Love Me Enough

Please...
Love me enough
Love me enough
to meet me where I'm at
I'm not the super strong person
that you are
I'm me
Lost, confused, broken
But dying to be good enough
I want to be good enough
I want to be whole again
I'm tired of wandering
aimlessly through life
grabbing onto anyone who will listen
Please listen...
Listen to me! I'm crying out!
Don't be afraid...
Don't be afraid to touch me...
to hold me...
to love me...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Don't...

You don't get to tell me
that what I'm feeling is wrong!
You were supposed to love me!
You were supposed to know me...
You weren't there
when I was that scared child
You weren't there
when I felt so alone
I'm tired...
I'm so tired of pretending
that I'm not who I am
Stop trying to bottle me up
Stop trying to make light
of my brokenness
If I can admit it,
why can't you?
So don't...
Just don't

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Could Have Been

You could have been the one
I told my dreams to
The one I shared my heart with
I saw myself in your eyes
I hoped I'd stay there
But seasons change
and so do people

Saturday, October 11, 2008

One Last Non-Married Fling With Glo!

So....Kendall, Gloria, and I went to Don Jose's tonight. We had margaritas, chips and salsa. It was our way of toasting to the old days! It was so funny, because tonight was karaoke night at Don Jose's. We heard so much mariachi music that Glo almost freaked out. Then this girl gets up to sing a karaoke classic..."I Will Survive," but she doesn't "sing" it. She basically talks it out of tune. It was hilarious!! I felt so bad for her....we started singing back up for her from our table. She was bold. I admire that. After that, we decided that we couldn't hang with the Mariachis and so we took our adventure over to the Press in Claremont. That place was bouncin'....they had a reggae band....2 white boys, singing on a stage. It was awesome, and the lead guy was cute. I'm sure if I had a couple more drinks in me, I would have made my move! hahahaha! We hung out there for a bit and had some drinks and reminisced. It was great. I missed hanging out with my girls. But as the clock was nearing midnight our carriages were turning into pumpkins. We looked at each other and realized that we weren't 21 anymore. hahaha...we're old! We can't hang like we used to. So Kendall went back home to her husband and baby, Glo went back home to dream about her wedding on Sunday, and I went back to my home half asleep.....I really am getting too old for this! lol It was great fun....Don't worry, no strippers....but thanks for offering Ryan. ;) LOL!!

Friday, October 10, 2008

The Happenings of Today

I'm getting my hair glazed today. I need it...my fro be lookin' CA-RAY-ZAY lately. I'm excited....then off to tutor and then gettin' ready for a girls' night out! YAY!!! Ken and Glo and I are gonna do it throw back style! Margaritas, chips and salsa....yay for bachelorette parties! I'm sure I'll have a story to talk about later....there's always a story when we hang out.

I'm Confused....*sigh!*

I'm so confused right now. I'm feeling a lot of things and I'm not sure which one's are the right feelings for me to have. I know this sounds confusing. I'm sure this doesn't make sense to anyone, but that's ok. I write to get it out. Seriously, just between you and I, I feel like smoking a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. I know I will probably barf, but I just don't want to deal. I think I'm just having one of those weeks where everything seems bigger than me. Oh, and then I heard from him. I say him because I don't want to say his name. I heard from him and it was amazing. I missed the sound of his voice. It felt the way it always feels when I hear it...like everything was going to be ok. So, what do I do with that? I feel like I'm torturing myself. Seriously. Straight up, no substitutions, torture! Oh, but if I could just close my eyes and magically appear somewhere else...I know exactly where I would be. On a hill in Ireland, over-looking the country side. He'd be there. We'd sit there and talk for a while. We'd talk about whatever came to our minds. Then we'd settle on a peaceful silence. The kind where you feel like you could go on this way forever and it would never feel awkward. Where the person that you love is sitting right next to you, and you can feel them. The warmth from their body making it's way to mingle with yours. A definite belonging, as natural as breathing. I need to do that. Breathe more often. In through the nose, out through the mouth. A cleansing breath. I just need to grab hold of my emotions and decide what to do. It's not always easy, but it's necessary.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Senses Full of You

Sit, stay a while
Tell me all the things
that are on your mind
I want to know the many
different sounds of your laughter
and find a way to arrange it
into a beautiful melody
Sing me the secrets of your heart
A song that has become
my favorite tune
Hold me close
Let me feel your rhythm
Soft, erratic, and strong
Breathe into me
your beauty, and life
Leave me drunk
in the richness of you

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Reflection

I look in your eyes
and I see a reflection of me
A reflection I've never seen before
I feel amazing when I look into your brown pools
I feel like someone I didn't know existed
I wish I could always look
the way I look in your eyes

Change

The change came
when you walked in
so refreshing, so new
yet familiar
I felt lost most of the time
Idlely waiting
for my life to begin
You bring excitement
and energy so moving
You offer new colors to my life
warm yellows, happy blues
Colors blending to coat my soul
Cloak me in your quilt of colors
Render me into something new
Open my heart
to the sound of your laughter
a sweet lullaby
of your native tongue
Leave me utterly distraught
by your beauty
Forever changed,
Forever new

I Surrender!

So, I gave in. What can I say? Everyone has been telling me to get a blogspot page and I've been stubborn and hard headed. I've fought it for so long because I wanted it to be my choice. Especially since everyone seems to think that there is something wrong with me because of my poetry or my postings on Facebook. My thoughts on that....Get over yourself. The End. I am me. I know who I am. That's the only thing that I need to worry about. I can't help it if God made me a passionate person with extremely deep feelings. Just because I'm thinking deeply doesn't mean I have this sudden urge to kill myself. If I so happen to write a poem and you so happen to feel convicted by it...then maybe it's about you? hahahaha....I dunno, just thought that was funny. Bottom line...don't trip over my work. If you have a question, just ask. Otherwise, enjoy!