Let It Go

You hold it tight,
Suffocating the beauty
Laboring to grow.
Afraid of the possibilities:
Hope of an everlasting promise.
Fear taking root,
Growing deep within your heart.
Apprehension, a new bosom buddy.
Let it go.
Breathe it in...
The change in the air...
Acceptance.
Love.
Happiness.
Forgiveness.

To Life!

I'm anxious. Growing up is hard. I never knew it was going to be this hard when I was a kid. I always had this idea of how life would turn out and I expected that it would happen the exact way I dreamed. Life isn't like that. The reality is that things don't always happen the way we want them to. I sit and I wait to hear the outcome of a part of my life. A part that I've been hanging onto for quite some time now. Will it be good or bad? Ultimately, regardless of the outcome, I will convince myself that it is good. I will tell myself that everything happens in accordance with G-d's will...and G-d's will is good and perfect. So...here's to your good and perfect will! L'Chaim!

Stumbling, but Growing...

Life is life. It is what it is. We have to learn to take it and do our best with it. The whole thing is...my life is changing. Rapidly changing. These adjustments that I know I need to make can be overwhelming. Adjusting to a new faith...a new love for the Mashiach Yeshua...a new way of living...it boggles my mind. It completely blows any previous ideas or beliefs right out of the water. I feel like I've been transported to a place that feels oddly like home, yet I look around and nothing looks the same...but everything feels right. Sometimes I feel like I'm stumbling through this growing process and running into everything in my path. I know it's a learning process, which is why I try to give myself grace when I make mistakes. I just want to be obedient. I want to be observant. I want to honor G-d. I've given up all foods that are not kosher, this means everything that doesn't have a heksher on it, and I work really hard to keep the Sabbath. But there is so much more to being obedient than just that. I just hope that I can figure it out and apply it to my life. I pray above all things that G-d would send the Holy Spirit to make the difficult decisions for me. That everything that be His will, will be done in my life. I hope that by the time you all see me again, I would be a different person. A person more in love with her L-rd, a person more passionate and obedient, and a person more observant of the Holy Torah, given to us by our Father HaShem. Not to spite us, but because He loves us and His will, and desires are perfect.

Here...Again.

So, I'm here again...in this place of uncertainty. If I sit still enough I can feel the tugging deep in my chest. That feeling that if you don't move, or do something about it, your chest is just going to implode. Maybe if I take a deep enough breath it will reset things and make them right again. Or maybe if I take a deep enough breath, I'll just need to keep taking more breaths to compensate for the emptiness without you. I don't know. It's so weird. Why does it have to exist? Love. Love is the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I ask myself again and again if it would be better if we'd never met. Would it? Could I exist? No. You've changed too much of me. I wouldn't be able to recognize myself. But the truth is, you're not gone. You're here. You're just not mine. Can I live with that? hah...I wonder.

New Life, New Adventures, and Limeade

Alright everyone...here goes!

So, I know I haven't updated since the move to "The Great Northwest" aka Washington. That's just because I feel kind of lazy about it. HAHA! How's that for honesty?

OK...my apartment is great! It's small and wonderful and perfect for 1! My couch is always open if anyone is interested in making a visit. I haven't finished decorating yet and that's just because I don't have the money to.

The people here are beautiful. I've made some friends at synagogue and I am extremely grateful to them. They make the stressful load of moving to a new place seem much lighter. They have opened their homes to me for Erev Shabbat and have treated me like family. I know that I've found something eternal in them.

They have one of the most amazing Kosher Albertsons grocery stores on Mercer Island that I've ever seen! It's like Hanukkah! One giant miracle! I almost cried when I saw that they had a Kosher deli, bakery, and dairy section! I know!!! What a miracle! (obviously I find this to be such an amazing highlight! lol)

As for work, well...it's tough! I'm not going to lie! But I believe that with G-d's grace and His unwavering strength, I can do it! There's a lot of memorizing and a lot of codes, and a lot of phones and computer screens! Oh and I've whipped out my Spanish twice already. I know!! Stressful huh?! I got to go on my first ride-a-long in a State Trooper car. It was completely exciting! Everything about it was awesome, except the fact that I broke out in massive hives because I'm allergic to the freshener in the car. But whatever....it scared me, I cried, and then I got steroids. Now, I only itch a little.

I miss my friends and my family and especially my beautiful nephew. He's so stinkin' cute...and he keeps growing without me! :( I have to settle for text message photo updates from my sister. But hey, at least I have those.

I know this isn't much, but I just thought I'd give you all a quick update on how life is going for me. So far so good! Thank you all who have committed to praying for me and who continue to pray for me. I love you all!

Oh yeah and Limeade...I love it! Just drank a glass right now.

PEACE!

*Jolene :)

I Lay

bowing heads and closed eyes
whispers float on hopes
deep-seated in promises
words brush across my heart
like tiny feathers caressing
my heart's petition
affection so undeserved
withheld as penance
penance for fault inspired
by youthful neglect
I lay...
disregarded like wanton ruin
recalling the curve of your lips
the sound of your voice
the color of your eyes
I lay...
with closed eyes
as whispers float on hopes
deep-seated in promises...

Sonnet XVII Pablo Neruda

Hey everyone...here is the poem that I used a few excerpts from for my status. I figured I would post it because everyone liked it so much. It's a classic. Enjoy!

Pablo Neruda

Sonnet XVII

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.