I'm Confused....*sigh!*

I'm so confused right now. I'm feeling a lot of things and I'm not sure which one's are the right feelings for me to have. I know this sounds confusing. I'm sure this doesn't make sense to anyone, but that's ok. I write to get it out. Seriously, just between you and I, I feel like smoking a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. I know I will probably barf, but I just don't want to deal. I think I'm just having one of those weeks where everything seems bigger than me. Oh, and then I heard from him. I say him because I don't want to say his name. I heard from him and it was amazing. I missed the sound of his voice. It felt the way it always feels when I hear it...like everything was going to be ok. So, what do I do with that? I feel like I'm torturing myself. Seriously. Straight up, no substitutions, torture! Oh, but if I could just close my eyes and magically appear somewhere else...I know exactly where I would be. On a hill in Ireland, over-looking the country side. He'd be there. We'd sit there and talk for a while. We'd talk about whatever came to our minds. Then we'd settle on a peaceful silence. The kind where you feel like you could go on this way forever and it would never feel awkward. Where the person that you love is sitting right next to you, and you can feel them. The warmth from their body making it's way to mingle with yours. A definite belonging, as natural as breathing. I need to do that. Breathe more often. In through the nose, out through the mouth. A cleansing breath. I just need to grab hold of my emotions and decide what to do. It's not always easy, but it's necessary.