Thoughts from the virtuous? (Ahem...virtue-less)

How many times have we heard the phrase "Patience is a virtue"? Or "Never pray for patience or G-d will give you a reason to be patient"? Sometimes I wonder if patience is a virtue that I actually possess. In my line of work, patience is a must. However, today is one of those days where I'm feeling a little low in the patience department and I'm too afraid to ask G-d for patience. Haha! It's silly, but true. I have too deeply embedded in me the fear that if I ask, He will do exactly what people say and give me a reason. Truth be told, I'm considering taking an Elton John musical vacation in my head. Bumping Rocket Man and Benny and the Jets so loud in my car that my face melts off. Somehow I don't think that will solve my problem. So here goes. Time to bite the bullet. Dear G-d please help me have patience today. I seem to be slightly "patience" deficient and I can't do this without you. Thanks again HaShem.

Bienvenue 2013...

Well, it has literally been more than a year since I've posted on this blog.  2012 was quite a year for me.  My father passed in December of 2011 and since then I've been trying to put my life back together.  Not an easy feat.  However, I look towards 2013 with hope, excitement, a desire for growth, and a will that I hope will drive me towards accomplishment.  This 2013, I plan to work on personal things, like listening more often, spending quality time with friends and family, learning to have an opinion, but not let it be destructive or stifling to others with thoughts equally as valuable as mine, inner peace, spiritual growth and health.  I want 2013 to be the year that I look back on in life and say, "Wow, yes! That was the year I blossomed...that was the year I truly came into myself."  I propose to also focus on my writing.  It's time to take off my restraints and let my creativity flow.  Here's to a fabulous 2013...L'Chaim! :)

He Can't Keep Up...

What does it mean when someone says, "I can't keep up with you" or "You need someone who can keep up with you"? Should I take that as a compliment or be completely insulted? What it says to me is that I'm not what you want; I'm not what you need. I'm ambitious. I'm outgoing, fun, friendly, independent, I know what I want. Does that scare you? Would it be better if I was quiet, withdrawn, and anti-social? I dunno...

Helpless, Broken

my mind swims with thoughts

unable to sort them

images of your face before

before it took over

before it stole your youth

before it stole your body

before it stole your mind

overwhelming they choke the tears

choke the cries forming at the back of my throat

deep breaths bring no relief for the pain

whispers of prayers linger on my lips

fighting to make their way to G-d's ear

no sound...inaudible movements

Aba...HaShem...Avinu Malkeinu...

hear the cries of my heart!

Did You Know...

Did you know...

that I love you?

that you saved me?

that I'm not sure if I can live without you?

Did you know...

that I'm scared?

that it hurts when I think about you?

that I don't want to lose you?

Did you know...

that I'm a coward because I can't tell you?

that the thought of you not in my life steals my breath?

that I hate knowing you're in pain?

Did you know...

that you're my only daddy?

Did you know...

that I love you?

that I love you?

that I love you?

Did you know...

that I'm sorry?

Let It Go

You hold it tight,
Suffocating the beauty
Laboring to grow.
Afraid of the possibilities:
Hope of an everlasting promise.
Fear taking root,
Growing deep within your heart.
Apprehension, a new bosom buddy.
Let it go.
Breathe it in...
The change in the air...
Acceptance.
Love.
Happiness.
Forgiveness.

To Life!

I'm anxious. Growing up is hard. I never knew it was going to be this hard when I was a kid. I always had this idea of how life would turn out and I expected that it would happen the exact way I dreamed. Life isn't like that. The reality is that things don't always happen the way we want them to. I sit and I wait to hear the outcome of a part of my life. A part that I've been hanging onto for quite some time now. Will it be good or bad? Ultimately, regardless of the outcome, I will convince myself that it is good. I will tell myself that everything happens in accordance with G-d's will...and G-d's will is good and perfect. So...here's to your good and perfect will! L'Chaim!

Stumbling, but Growing...

Life is life. It is what it is. We have to learn to take it and do our best with it. The whole thing is...my life is changing. Rapidly changing. These adjustments that I know I need to make can be overwhelming. Adjusting to a new faith...a new love for the Mashiach Yeshua...a new way of living...it boggles my mind. It completely blows any previous ideas or beliefs right out of the water. I feel like I've been transported to a place that feels oddly like home, yet I look around and nothing looks the same...but everything feels right. Sometimes I feel like I'm stumbling through this growing process and running into everything in my path. I know it's a learning process, which is why I try to give myself grace when I make mistakes. I just want to be obedient. I want to be observant. I want to honor G-d. I've given up all foods that are not kosher, this means everything that doesn't have a heksher on it, and I work really hard to keep the Sabbath. But there is so much more to being obedient than just that. I just hope that I can figure it out and apply it to my life. I pray above all things that G-d would send the Holy Spirit to make the difficult decisions for me. That everything that be His will, will be done in my life. I hope that by the time you all see me again, I would be a different person. A person more in love with her L-rd, a person more passionate and obedient, and a person more observant of the Holy Torah, given to us by our Father HaShem. Not to spite us, but because He loves us and His will, and desires are perfect.

Here...Again.

So, I'm here again...in this place of uncertainty. If I sit still enough I can feel the tugging deep in my chest. That feeling that if you don't move, or do something about it, your chest is just going to implode. Maybe if I take a deep enough breath it will reset things and make them right again. Or maybe if I take a deep enough breath, I'll just need to keep taking more breaths to compensate for the emptiness without you. I don't know. It's so weird. Why does it have to exist? Love. Love is the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I ask myself again and again if it would be better if we'd never met. Would it? Could I exist? No. You've changed too much of me. I wouldn't be able to recognize myself. But the truth is, you're not gone. You're here. You're just not mine. Can I live with that? hah...I wonder.

New Life, New Adventures, and Limeade

Alright everyone...here goes!

So, I know I haven't updated since the move to "The Great Northwest" aka Washington. That's just because I feel kind of lazy about it. HAHA! How's that for honesty?

OK...my apartment is great! It's small and wonderful and perfect for 1! My couch is always open if anyone is interested in making a visit. I haven't finished decorating yet and that's just because I don't have the money to.

The people here are beautiful. I've made some friends at synagogue and I am extremely grateful to them. They make the stressful load of moving to a new place seem much lighter. They have opened their homes to me for Erev Shabbat and have treated me like family. I know that I've found something eternal in them.

They have one of the most amazing Kosher Albertsons grocery stores on Mercer Island that I've ever seen! It's like Hanukkah! One giant miracle! I almost cried when I saw that they had a Kosher deli, bakery, and dairy section! I know!!! What a miracle! (obviously I find this to be such an amazing highlight! lol)

As for work, well...it's tough! I'm not going to lie! But I believe that with G-d's grace and His unwavering strength, I can do it! There's a lot of memorizing and a lot of codes, and a lot of phones and computer screens! Oh and I've whipped out my Spanish twice already. I know!! Stressful huh?! I got to go on my first ride-a-long in a State Trooper car. It was completely exciting! Everything about it was awesome, except the fact that I broke out in massive hives because I'm allergic to the freshener in the car. But whatever....it scared me, I cried, and then I got steroids. Now, I only itch a little.

I miss my friends and my family and especially my beautiful nephew. He's so stinkin' cute...and he keeps growing without me! :( I have to settle for text message photo updates from my sister. But hey, at least I have those.

I know this isn't much, but I just thought I'd give you all a quick update on how life is going for me. So far so good! Thank you all who have committed to praying for me and who continue to pray for me. I love you all!

Oh yeah and Limeade...I love it! Just drank a glass right now.

PEACE!

*Jolene :)

I Lay

bowing heads and closed eyes
whispers float on hopes
deep-seated in promises
words brush across my heart
like tiny feathers caressing
my heart's petition
affection so undeserved
withheld as penance
penance for fault inspired
by youthful neglect
I lay...
disregarded like wanton ruin
recalling the curve of your lips
the sound of your voice
the color of your eyes
I lay...
with closed eyes
as whispers float on hopes
deep-seated in promises...

Sonnet XVII Pablo Neruda

Hey everyone...here is the poem that I used a few excerpts from for my status. I figured I would post it because everyone liked it so much. It's a classic. Enjoy!

Pablo Neruda

Sonnet XVII

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

I Wish You Would

You talk so big
You yell so loud
And still you live beneath the shroud
Hiding yourself from reality

You come at me
with your angry heart
You think I'm the one
who tore you apart

When will you see
the unraveling was your doing
I didn't lure him over
I didn't have to...

You pushed him enough
with your lying "love"
your heavy fists
pounding hard and breaking flesh

I wish you would...
I wish you would
come at me
say all the things
that you're dying to say...

I wish you would...
I wish you would
shove me
so I can make you feel
what's on my mind

But you don't know
you can't handle this
so I wish you would...
I wish you would
shut your face

Taking a Moment to Breathe...

Written October 20, 2009

I have 2 hours before I go to my tutoring job, so I thought I'd take a moment to debrief. Honestly, as if that's possible. How do you debrief from losing someone? I don't think I ever can. But I wanted to say a few things...

I want you all to know about James. I wish you all knew him the way that I knew him. Some of you did. He was beautiful. He was funny and sweet. He had a contagious laugh. I was talking with his sister yesterday and we decided that James lived more in his 19 years than we had in both of our lives put together. He traveled, he made life long friends in an instant, he sang with everything in him (very loudly at times). HAHA! He loved music and would jack up the radio the second he got in your car. Sometimes I swore he was trying to make me deaf. Or I'd stop to get gas and he'd be pushing every button in my car and going through my glove box. (HAHAHA! :)) I loved my little trouble maker. He made my life flavorful. He and I used to rock out to *NSYNC in my car. We'd put "Bye Bye Bye" on repeat. He understood my obsession with the boy band. :)

James always loved big. I remember his mom telling me a story about how one time when he was younger, he was sitting in a hospital waiting room and there was a prisoner there as well. The prisoner was cuffed up and therefore couldn't utilize his hands, so James came and brought a magazine for him and started turning the pages for the man so that he could read. His love did not discriminate and I loved that about him. He loved his girls as well. Some of you know this because he'd hit on you anytime we hung out and I brought him along. He would walk up to that unsuspecting girl and put his arm around her and say, "hey baby?" HAHAHA! I'd have to remind him that he couldn't just do that to people, and he would argue with me that they were his girl.

He was my baby boo. We had many adventures together: museums, exhibits, movies, dinner, arcades, Chuck E Cheese (don't get me started), the fair, science camp, YMCA basketball, Hanger 18 wall climbing, McDonald's and so on... I will never forget the wonderful and sometimes stressful times we had together, but most of all I will never forget the things that he taught me. He taught me to be patient, to be forgiving, to tear down barriers, and most of all to love. As I write this I miss you James. I miss your face more than I've ever missed anyone's. I praise God for the wonderful gift of you that He gave us for 19 years. We will all be forever changed by you, my angel. Enjoy the time with your momma and your maker. I am envious of the love that you are surrounded by. Sweet dreams little man...

To all of you, my dearest friends who have wished me well and have prayed for me and James' family, thank you. You do not know how much I love and appreciate you. Life will never be the same, but you my friends have definitely softened the blow.

I love you all,

Jolene

Slave to Lust

replaced by lusty images
dancing across the page
my beauty is lost in their naked curves
fleshy pink sin
clouding your memory of me
am I now the unrealistic fantasy?
my love no longer enough to satisfy
you let him in, the demon of flesh
let him take hold of your mind and your body
you feed him with their images,
naked bodies, pornographic thoughts
forsaking me, forsaking God
setting up new idols
you look at me like I'm one of them
wanting me to look like they do,
to move like they do,
to relinquish my body to you...
the undeserving
I am more than that
more than your sticky disrespectful words,
more than your dirty thoughts
I am a woman of regard
a beautiful daughter of God
with or without your respect

You Made Me Love You

you made me love you
with your quiet way
your silent assurance
sometimes louder
than the beating of my heart
my eyes close
as I remember
the way you angle your head
the way your hair curls on your forehead
when it's become overgrown
the way you're always so sure
memories tip toe across my mind
leaving footprints
forever embedded
like the sound of your laughter
bubbling up from your chest
the way your hands rest on the table
fingers laced with quiet purpose
and a smile so beautiful
it brings me to my knees
I had no choice
you made me love you

I Would Love You

I wish you knew that I’d love you anyway.

There isn’t much you could do to turn my heart away.

I’d give it willingly again...

100 times over, never stopping to protect it.

I would love you despite the past.

I’d let it go and never look back.

I’d hold your hands in mine

Meet you in the place where our hearts connect.

I’m telling you I love you.  

From my lips to God’s ear.

May He hear the whispers of my heart,

And lovingly answer them.

You are new my love. 

You are made new...

You are whole my love.

You are made whole...

Knitted together,

Created well by a perfect creator.

Let His love embrace you,

Cover your wounds and protect you.

Let Him kiss away your brokenness...

Leaving behind a trail of restoration.

My love, I’m telling you I love you...

I love you.

She Wonders...

She wonders why...

why do things happen the way they do?  She can't always complain about the outcome, really.  Sometimes when you put all the chips on the table and you lay down your hand, you win it all.  However, most often than not this is not the case.  I'd say that lately she's tired of gambling her life away.  Consistency would be nice.  Something solid, gripping, secure.  Does it exist?  Maybe.  She's complained that life feels like it's fit itself in one of those little photo cubes that collects dust in the back corner of your desk, displaying memories of the good ol' days.  Memories.  Memories of a time when life felt more like an adventure than a broken record playing the same 2 words to a favorite song 3 years ago.  

When does life begin to take shape?  When does it become something more than what it is?  She's a lot like me; I'd have to say.  Waiting for something good to take root...waiting.  There's just so much more than this.  Wow, that sounds cliche.  HAHA!  This should end before I become all "Dashboard Confessional" on you all.  LOL  

Stay...A Letter to My Beloved

Beloved,

Stay...

I sit here so filled with emotions that I don't know where to begin.  I guess I can start with this...I love you.  I love your smile, I love your eyes...the way they pull tight when you laugh.  I love your heart...it's always so willing to give.  I don't know what I'm going to do here...without you.  My heart feels the loss of you.  So great and deep....it's become all consuming.  I'll smile if you need me to.  I'd do anything for you...but know that I will feel incomplete when you leave.  I asked you..."what about me?"  You seem to think that you're easy to replace.  My beloved...you are not.  There's only ever been you.  How do I train my heart not to ache for you?  How do I convince my fingers not to reach for you?  How do I tell my mind to stop thinking on you?  How?  The heart is a very deceitful thing...it does what it wants.  It does not listen to my pleas.  It does not wish to give me peace.  It knows what it wants.  It wants you.  Please....please....please....stay....please stay.  

please....

Forever yours,

*J

You're Leaving

it hit me like a 2x4 
rendering me breathless...
you're leaving.
taking the best part of me with you
empty room, empty heart
my eyes swollen with the memories of you
spilling over...one by one
telling the story of you and me
my fingers ache to touch you
my ears long to hear your bass filled voice
your soothing tone puts my fragile heart at ease
the unsaid words sit resting in the back of my throat
begging to be heard
my heart beats a steady rhythm of
stay...stay...stay...
I should have said it...a million times over
...I love you, I love you, I love you